The desire to be free. To leave. To shop. To go somewhere exciting. It is so strong. But maybe it’s not really the desire to do any of those things specifically as much as the power that freedom conveys. To be powerful would be awesome.
To cope with his constant neediness I either go for walks, go shopping, or turn on a TV show to distract me while I tend to him. Then I don’t accomplish any of my goals. And that makes me sad.
Spending money makes me feel like I still have control of my life. Like I can say “Eff it, world! I’m still powerful! I’m still glamorous!” Why do I feel the need to feel that way? It seems a little self sabotaging.
Why do I feel like if I didn’t have a job and money I would do insane?
As long as I have a job, I figure, I can pay someone to watch him if I need to. I can buy things or food when I’m angry/stressed/overwhelmed/feel powerless.
And I cling to that.
It all makes me want to scream and sulk. The fact that I didn’t get anything done because I went on survival/be entertained mode because of this baby