Colton has been gone for a few days and so I’ve been experiencing single parenting. And of course, this has been only a few days and I had someone watch him a couple hours yesterday and Friday while I went to ballet and packed for our move.
What I notice is missing from my life is resentment.
I’m parenting Clark. It’s hard and a little tortorous sometimes but I haven’t spent my days angry that Colton’s not helping more. I’ve been more efficient with the house work and I’ve gone for runs and bike rides with Clark while he’s awake.
Basically I’m realizing that I carry around a giant weight of resentment toward Colton. Wrapped up in that is hope that help from him is just around the corner. That hope makes the work seem more tortorous. If I know that I have to watch Clark and do all the chores today, I can do it efficiently with a smile. I mean, Clark will still scream and whine in a panicky way when he’s hungry even though he ate 10 minutes ago and I’ll still want to scream back to him to calm down and get an ounce of patience and I’ll want to lock him in a room where I can’t here him until he can shut up. I’ll still think,”this sucks!” But I’ll be more resourceful about how to make the most of it. I can’t blame. All the responsibility for my happiness is on me
Anyways I thought that was interesting.
Edit: When I’m alone I also have this loneliness that I try to fill with activities.